The past three years have just passed by in a strange, difficult, continual pattern. A jubilant yes always followed by oh shit, not again. That overwhelming feeling of joy immediately followed by, this can’t last for long feeling; and it never did. It seemed to be happening on a world wide scale. I won’t address the intensity of its effect on the rest of the world, I can only deliver my rendition of what my life looked like; since I last posted on my site.
I lost the vision I had of myself and who I was becoming in the years prior to Covid. For most of us though, there is the pre-Covid life and the post-Covid life.
My twin grandsons said hello to life as Covid entered our world. I was in Death Valley with some dear friends enjoying Mesquite Dunes. Exploring the depths of Death Valley with my friends was nothing short of perfect. I was called back to reality as my daughter was experiencing some pre labor difficulties and had to be hospitalized. After a long month and a half which included a month of NICU time, the twins and Nicole returned home healthy, happy and thriving, I took off to once again, escape the reality of our crazy world.
I wasn’t sure where to go. At that point I was living in Fitzroy , my sprinter van. Many towns, cities and states didn’t want outsiders. I was talking with a van life friend and he told me a girl he knew was taking refuge outside Sedona. He connected us and a friendship was born. Allie and I though much different in age, connected immediately. We both felt so blessed to have someone to share the experience of being out in the world with no where to go. She actually was married but had taken time for the road when Covid hit and decided it was safer for her to stay out than go back to a big city.
We spent two months together. Exploring the desert, then into Prescott National Forest. We hiked, talked, shared campfires and felt immense gratitude for where we were.
I had begin looking for a home base when I received a call from a realtor that she found the perfect home for me. I left Allie and began the trip north. I spent more time in the desert as I traveled north, the Mojave is magical . It is dry and hot yet fascinating with its various plants , rock formations, petroglyphs and silence. Then the Eastern Sierra in all its diversity. I spent many hours on trails, both hiking and running reinforcing the joy for moment to moment existence.
Fitzroy caught fire as I was coming over Luther Pass in Tahoe a few months after Covid hit. I remember thinking to myself, “I love being in the mountains again, after being in the desert for two months trying to escape the craziness.”The smell of campfires wafting in the breeze, made me smile. However to my dismay, it wasn’t campfires that I smelled but my engine compartment which was consumed in a fire started by a rodent nest that I likely picked up in Prescott National Forest.Four months later and thousands of dollars in repairs, Fitzy was back home. My Vedic astrologer told me things were just getting ready to heat up, and boy did they.
I began life within 4 walls and 10 acres . To be honest, I had a dream that I would meet a man that would become my soul partner and we would tend the land together. It was a beautiful dream. I had manifested the home, the land with its orchard, vegetable garden and room for a pup. I couldn’t however manifest the man. It became a lonely existence. After only two weeks a wyld fire came to the borders of the land and I had to leave until it was safe to return. It was a difficult welcome to a new life. I carried on however, trying to make it work. With Covid in our lives though, it made it very difficult to find community and loneliness set in .
My passion for living remained strong, but my hopes, dreams and emotions ebbed and flowed more than ever. Questions continually circling within my inner world. Never why me, but always, when will this end? I am sure I wasn’t alone in this curiosity.
I have said many times that life on the road, on the trail, and exploring new places is not as lonely as life within the confines of 4 walls. It was proven to me over and over. I don’t know why this is so true in my life , but I have a connection to the natural world whereby I always feel welcome, whereby I never feel judged, nor do I feel less than the human I am. They say we need human connection to survive, I say we need connection to other living, breathing entities just as much. The way the sun rises over the desert, the way the raging river flows thru the landscape, the deer foraging for food, the coyotes howling, the ebb and flow of mother ocean and the winding mountain trail all are nourishment for my soul. Without them, I would perish.
Recently, I was a victim of a ring of scammers, I believe to have originated out of Nigeria. I took the bait. To my astonishment and shame, without questions asked I bought in. Every red flag was raised, yet I bit. I also dragged my daughter into it. The allure of positive results overtook every red flag that was raised. We lost money, but even worse, we had a sense of our identities being stolen. The criminal took over our Instagram pages while using our contacts and our pictures to promote the scam. A sense of shame washed over me. After weeks of intense investigation, including filing with the FBI and FTC, I surrendered.
Because of this, I have pretty much given up on social media. My trust for the security has waned substantially. I do however, love sharing story and pictures. Therefore I have decided to reignite my blog.
I choose joy, over and over. Depending on how we react to the obstacles determines our life course. Many of us have felt like lessons have been coming left and right, for a number of years. I, for one try and learn from the lessons. I believe we have not truly lived the fullness of life unless we face the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the light and the dark.
I love the journey. Change is something I now embrace as it is truly the only certainty in this human existence. I have decided to sell the house I have been in the last two years. It hasn’t felt like home. It is beautiful but, it doesn’t bring me joy. I will live on the road again and eventually settle in the mountains, which bring so much richness to my life.
I recently purchased a gravel bike and plan on incorporating bike packing into my adventure plans. Hoping as well to take some more white water river trips and more intimately explore the west, which offers so much diversity, from the Oregon Coast, to the wyld untamed rivers of Idaho, into the wilderness of Wyoming and Montana, the red rock of the southwest~ the trails whether dirt, paved or liquid call out to me, come…explore, deepen your connection to all that is. With the viewfinder to my eye and pen in hand , I begin once again.
I invite you to follow along if you like.
2 thoughts on “i wander on”
So nice to hear from you. Please keep me in your loop. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing, hoping that you are doing fine and having a good adventure. You are such an outdoorsy person, which is so cool. I could never do what you do. It sounds like the challenges keep coming. They always will. Stay strong. Do what you do. And know that my good thoughts are with you.
How lovely to hear from you! I hope you are well! Ahhhhh life ebbs and flows, and what a beautiful adventure it is.
Be well my friend~ Thankyou for following!